Q&A: Are these poems okay for my story, "The Poker Player"?

July 05, 2010 :: Posted by - admin :: Category - Q&A Forum

Question by alphashen26: Are these poems okay for my story, “The Poker Player”?
My teacher assigned my class a short story due in May, and we have to include a poem in it. Mine is called “The Poker Player”, it’s a murder/crime scene in which a little girl who trusted a guy (who plays poker and taught her how, they spent a night together like father and daughter) but he turned out to be a murderer who killed people for money, and in the end HE was killed. then she feels all betrayed and deceived. These are two of the poems:

When it’s all over
You’ll think back
And wonder why you did
The things you did
But you’ll know
In your heart
You were the one
Who was wrong
All along
And the tears
Will flow
But it’s too late
As closing time nears
It was
Too little, too late
And you’ll realize
It was you
Who brought about
Your anguish.

The Poker Player
innocent like the prey
transforms into the hunter
in the game
doesn’t realize
what he is
destroying himself
falling from grace
losing his place
slowly dying…
dead.

They aren’t good, I know, I’m not much of a poet. And I’m not just saying that to fish for a compliment it’s true.

I just want some advice of how to make them better, and I want you guys to pick one of them to put in my story. Flames allowed. Thanks in advance

Best answer:

Answer by ©hipmunk™廯喿鷂萸鼓唁皁惶僨僗僔僳僛僪僝僤
it is nice but try not to use the word like dead,dying etc…

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One Response to “Q&A: Are these poems okay for my story, "The Poker Player"?”

  1. Moses Says:

    I like your poems and your poetic manner. Fancied adding a little to your last one, but Its convoluted, yours is fine as it is.

    The Poker Player
    innocent like the prey
    transforms into the hunter
    in the game
    doesn’t realize
    what he is
    destroying himself
    falling from grace
    losing his place
    turning the last card
    blackened chances
    bright red spreads
    surrounds them
    It is she
    In reddened anger now
    the bloody betrayal
    afoot her

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